Legal lol.

I think an elective should be devoted to absurd cases and controversies. The casebook would be filled with opinions like this:

United States ex rel. Mayo v. Satan & His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282, 283 (W.D. Pa. 1971)

Plaintiff, alleging jurisdiction under 18 U.S.C.  241, 28 U.S.C.  1343, and 42 U.S.C.  1983 prays for leave to file a complaint for violation of his civil rights in forma pauperis. He alleges that Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff’s downfall.

Plaintiff alleges that by reason of these acts Satan has deprived him of his constitutional rights.

We feel that the application to file and proceed in forma pauperis must be denied. Even if plaintiff’s complaint reveals a prima facie recital of the infringement of the civil rights of a citizen of the United States, the Court has serious doubts that the complaint reveals a cause of action upon which relief can be granted by the court. We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district. The complaint contains no allegation of residence in this district. While the official reports disclose  no case where this defendant has appeared as defendant there is an unofficial account of a trial in New Hampshire where this defendant filed an action of mortgage foreclosure as plaintiff. The defendant in that action was represented by the preeminent advocate of that day, and raised the defense that the plaintiff was a foreign prince with no standing to sue in an American Court. This defense was overcome by overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Whether or not this would raise an estoppel in the present case we are unable to determine at this time.

If such action were to be allowed we would also face the question of whether it may be maintained as a class action. It appears to meet the requirements of Fed.R. of Civ.P. 23 that the class is so numerous that joinder of all members is impracticable, there are questions of law and fact common to the class, and the claims of the representative party is typical of the claims of the class. We cannot now determine if the representative party will fairly protect the interests of the class.

We note that the plaintiff has failed to include with his complaint the required form of instructions for the United States Marshal for directions as to service of process.

For the foregoing reasons we must exercise our discretion to refuse the prayer of plaintiff to proceed in forma pauperis.

It is ordered that the complaint be given a miscellaneous docket number and leave to proceed in forma pauperis be denied.

Class would be filled with laughter and clapping instead of nervous sweat and mild shivering.   Discussion would take the fact pattern and run with it. Could the Devil implead God for giving humans free will? What are the existential limits of jurisdiction? I mean, corporations are fictional people, right? If the Devil needs a physical headquarters, BLS is a sufficiently tragic locale. I’m sure the Prince of Darkness would feel right at home (granted it’s a part of a Baptist university. I’m pretty sure we on the river have been forsaken – those undergraduates who used to come by to exorcise the first floor haven’t been around in a long time).

I’d also like to note that Satan was the nickname for the party in breach in our K I and KII classes. Oh, those wonderful days of yore, circa 2008, how I miss them.

Dusty the Cat

As usual, while I’m strapped to my laptop for class assignments, whether my actual goal is compiling legislative histories (yessssss so ‘engrossed’), or maybe finding SEC filings for PepsiCo, I multitask and see what’s happening on the intertubes. It’s that or I fall asleep.

There’s one phenomenon in particular that fascinates me – internet users who at one time merely produced memes, but now pursue a kind of internet troll vigilantism. For the uninitiated, let me define some terms first:

Internet Memes: A catchphrase or concept that spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet, much like an inside joke. The term is a reference to the concept of memes, although this concept refers to a much broader category of cultural information. For example, LOLcats, the Hamster Dance, RickRolling.

Internet Troll: These are folks between the ages of 15-35 who are on the web a whole lot. A whole lot. They post to a variety of link aggregator websites/forums/chatrooms. The topics are usually prurient and NSFW. Activities include Photoshopping of pictures, gross out/shock humor and conspiracy theorizing. They use a distinct set of internet slang and dialect not too dissimilar from any other slang system used by other subcultures.

That’s a pretty cursory overview. The point is is that there’s a widespread and pervasive internet culture that the masses  are unaware of because, well, it’s pretty damn nerdy and below the radar. I suppose that’s why it’s a subculture. Besides that, who’d own up to knowing the difference between the LOLLZ and the LULLZ or the fine variation between !! and !!!1!.  Maybe I just did. This all seems particularly ridiculous to people who remember a time before Google (B.G. and A.G.).

In any case, during the past year or so, this subculture has been congealing at the edges. There’s been a kind of increasing uniformity and coherence. The latest trend is that this culture gets a kick out of causing benign mayhem outside web forums, and engaging in a kind of privacy shattering vigilantism.

You see, sometimes there are wrongdoers in the real world who get caught in the act, yielding a great amount of web-indignation. The latest example is this serial killer in training who beat the crap out of a cat and posted the video on Youtube. Within 24 hours the internet community figured out who the kid is, where he lives, where he goes to school, who his parents are and other vital information, all posted on a website (probably not safe for work). Once he was identified, the local media and police were bombarded with phone calls and emails, resulting in the kid’s arrest tonight.

But because I’m primarily a law school nerd (there is no escape), I thought man, this has the makings of a  good law (review) article.  I doubt the common law is currently equipped to deal with issues stemming from instantaneous, aberrant social interaction on a massive scale. The web provides anonymity on the one hand, destroys personal privacy on the other, gives anyone a megaphone, removes all kinds of consequences and liabilities, and makes the dissemination of information completely fluid.

The convergence of privacy rights, First Amendment concerns, jurisdictional issues etc. with regard to the web,  as far as I know, have yet to be addressed. And so I wonder, what if an individual is harassed by thousands of people who are all linked to a few websites?  I suppose the easiest thing to do is to go after the website proprietor, but is it really their fault? Who’s culpable in a situation like that under existing laws? (See for example the Megan Meier case). How flexible are privacy torts when it comes to this?

I do think we’ll slowly start to see new causes of action that are specifically tailored for the internet. It’ll be interesting to see how that body of law evolves. I’m very much unaware of any of it because, well, I’m stalking Coca Cola’s balance sheet right now for Tax and Accounting.

Sidenote: While I’m glad the cat beating child has been apprehended, aren’t there more egregious things that the combined powers of web lurkers could address? Just saying.

The Oregon Trial

I’ve become addicted to beating The Oregon Trail – that old school game for the ancient Apple IIe . (www.virtualapple.org). I haven’t played it since I was maybe 10 years old. Back in those fabled and wonderful days of yore, I always picked the banker as my starting profession, giving me nigh unlimited resources for my journey. I could load up on ammo for my hunting needs, plenty of clothes for my children, many yokes of oxen and ride to Oregon with ease.  Capitalism paved the way for luxurious pioneering – why play the game at a disadvantage? That’s just stupid.

On the other hand, choosing the farmer always seemed like a death march. How could I possibly reach my goal on $400? That’s madness. Never in all of my youth did I choose to play as the gentle yeoman.

After finals concluded, I stumbled across the game and figured why not try as the farmer.  And so it went – my family was forced to live on meager rations, traveled at a grueling pace and only had 1 set of clothes. They suffered from dysentery, broken arms and highway bandits. Life on The Oregon Trail was tenuous and hard but I beat the game and made the high score.

It was actually more fun to play the game with little on hand. The trick to beating it as the farmer is to load up on a lot of bullets and little food at the outset, and then hunt while on the trail. I tried the game as the banker for comparison. The banker was constantly beset with problems, never had enough quarry to hunt and suffered innumerable broken axles. While things were tough for the farmer, luck favored him.Was Apple trying to send a message to the youth of a generation about excess, life, making your own opportunity and hard work?

And so, as I sat and drank my adult beverage after finals, I wondered, am I here at this school because I think becoming  a member of the banker class will lead to a life of ease? Or are all of my oxen going to die anyway? And then I realized that there’s nothing quite like the supreme, angsty arrogance of questioning the merits of your own privilege or analogizing it to a video game.

Life is ok and the blog title was intentional.